Disappointments reign

My daughter is on holiday this week.

Hopefully she is having a nice time.

I expect she will not be having an awesome time, because her friend was unable to go.

As she said, before she left, she knows she should not feel angry at her friend for being ill, but it has left her going on a trip, which she was really looking forward to, because she was going with her friend, more than because of the activity she was going to be doing.

As a parent you cannot help in these situations, you cannot fix the friend, you cannot force your child to have a good time, in spite of the setbacks.

All you can do is hope that they are enjoying the activities, that they are able to find some connection with the others attending, that they do not dwell too much on the elements they have lost out on.

I am impressed that my daughter was still willing to go. I expect there would be people out there who would have chosen not to go, or refused to.

Next time your child faces a disappointment, remember you cannot solve the world’s problems. You cannot always make things right.

Support them with their feelings, but don’t question them.

Support them to push ahead and see what can be salvaged from a situation which might not have gone fully to plan.

And afterwards, encourage them to reflect on the experience, as this is where resilience is built and learnt.

My eldest likes to be organised.

She has one full year left at Uni and wanted to earn some decent money over the holiday period to help cover her rent and expenses.

She applied for numerous roles and eventually secured one with a local firm, one she had worked for before, which she was happy about as it is near home and she trusted that they were good employers.

The role sounded interesting, a step up from work she had done for them in previous years.

Two weeks before starting she heard that the start was being delayed, due to the late frosts.

She impressed me by gaining a role at Field Days to make up for this.

Last week she heard that they were only offing 3 day weeks, she was expecting full time.

Her projected income has dropped 40%.

Now she is left with some tricky decisions, does she:

• look elsewhere, which so close to Christmas may see her left with no work until January

• stick with the three days and resign herself to having to work more when also trying to study

• try and find a second position which fits with the three days (if these are consistent)

For a person who likes to plan, I could tell that the upheaval of such events was overwhelming. The feeling of helplessness I felt paling into insignificance in the face of her frustration and disappointment.

The feelings we go through are tough, they need to be practiced, however stink that is.

If you have a child who struggles with disappointment, I’m happy to talk through some ideas on how to help improve their resilience in this area. Or check out my book, PARENTING REQUIRES PERSERVERANCE, which covers this and other useful topics.